I'll be out on a patio (or patios!) with enthusiasm on May 15th

I wear a mask all day at work, I wear a mask into stores. I wash my hands a lot more, sanitize my hands in my car after going into most public places. I don't wipe everything down that I purchase with disinfectant wipes, I mostly forget to take and leave my shoes off outside my apartment.

I shop WAY less frequently than normal, I walk alone (always). I do not wear a mask outside.

I have not been inside my parents house since March 22, that was also the last time I saw my mother in person. I have had driveway "pops" with my dad two times since the stay at home order was put in place. I started a new job and couldn't shop for new clothes so I wear the same shoes to work everyday and one of the same two sweaters everyday.

On April 13th I hugged four people (no one got sick and no one died after). On Tuesday, April 28th I took a housewarming gift to a friend's new home. Got the tour, shared socially distanced beers in the kitchen.

Everyone is talking about how "we're in this together" and "we're all going through the same thing" and no: no we're not. I 'stay at home' by myself: no pets, no partner, no patio or balcony, no house to work on, no yard to work in, no balcony to sit on.

I don't want to do Zoom dinners, I hardly have the space in my one-bedroom apartment to set-up my laptop for Teams meetings for work.
I don't want to talk about how much it sucks: it sucks.
I basically want to do nothing and most often, as much as I enjoy walking, it is a real task to even do that.

I'll be out on a patio (or patios!) with enthusiasm on May 15th and I have friends that will be with me and so many of us are afraid to admit that or to admit we're excited and that is sad.

I get that people are still afraid, I can't say I'm not. I respect the decision to stay home and I am going to continue to be truly cautious but I am going out.

It's getting more and more controversial - restaurants and bars saying they're keeping their customers and staff in mind and not opening until June (I respect your decision to delay opening) but let's be honest, what some folks are really waiting for is for others to open and see how it goes. Let the "others" open first and see how it goes, it's at least part that in some cases (not all) and I know and love people on BOTH sides of the bar/restaurant business and respect them all. It's fine to delay your opening but please don't try and make others look and feel bad because they are not. In the end, lots of folks will have the luxury of learning from other people's mistakes and there will be mistakes and changes and adjustments and that's fine. It's all new, there will be a learning curve.

And lets stop demonizing people like me and my friends who might be weathering the same storm but are on different islands or are in different boats and are trusting in our Governor (that everyone trusted until he said something they disagreed with) and our leadership and are seeing the state of the economy; our own and that of the greater community and know that something has to give and at some point we have to try to get into our new normal.

Maybe if our fellow countrymen weren't so ignorant as to be bringing semi-automatic weapons into statehouses to fight for their right to get a haircut and people weren't pissing their pants about wearing a mask at Costco (go 'Merica) and maybe if more people actually understood the rights of privately owned enterprises and understood that yes, yes: You Tube or Facebook or any other non-government outlet can actually delete videos and comments and posts and no, that is not actually a violation of your first amendment rights. Maybe if some of that weren't happening, it might seem less fearful. It (opening up our economy and getting back out there) might seem less scary because we'd know our fellow citizens had our backs and could weather wearing a mask for 30 minutes at Target, even if they don't believe they help - just to be a good neighbor and reassure others you respect them and want as many people as possible to come out of this unscathed.

We can't all stay home forever. Maybe if we lived in a country and had a government that was set up to support us better: medically and financially and otherwise. Most folks against the openings coming up have no answer for when it will be or seem or feel safe and that's ok. All of this is unknown and scary and changing. I hope you don't have to leave your home until you are comfortable, I hope your unemployment stays in place until such time you feel it is safe enough to go out again and/or that your employer allows you to continue to work from home if that's what you need.

What I think (know) is that people are crazed and depressed and struggling and the risk to themselves and others (sadly) pales in comparison to their current, new reality. I don't think most people are ignoring the fact that their exposure to more people means even someone continuing to self-quarantine/stay at home is impacted (yes - I know there are plenty of idiotic morons out there, I'm not talking about them right now), I think most people know and are sad but also they need to get out, they need to be around friends, they need human touch, they want a hug. I don't think most folks are selfish or uncaring or ignorant, I continue to think that they are simply in need (see above).

Also - people are suffering financially.

People are desperate to save their businesses which includes their own livelihood as well as the livelihood of others. They've been working on safety measures in their minds for four+ weeks.
SBA money:gone
PPP money: gone.
People are desperate to pay their bills, reduce how far behind they are becoming financially and desperate to feed their families

Tens of thousands of people (many of my friends and myself included) are desperate because they have not received ANY unemployment, have NO INCOME and for god's sake: the application for unemployment for 1099-ers isn't even available to begin the process. Sure: when and IF people begin to receive unemployment they're supposed to be getting an "extra" $600/week. Know what? Most of my friends eligible for unemployment have had major problems navigating the unemployment application process and have received NO money. My few friends that have actually started to receive unemployment; don't know one (they may be out there) receiving the "extra" $600/week. And it's not EXTRA for many. Remember, unemployment only provides a percentage of a recipient's income (roughly 50%) so for many folks this will come close to making them whole, some this will be an increase and some still a net loss.

I am so glad (truly) for my friends that have a financial buffer, have some savings, even have a retirement account to pull funds from if necessary. But I don't have that and lots of my friends don't have that. I have plenty of friends that are going further and further into debt: can't pay rent, can't pay utilities, borrowing money from family and friends (I'm right on the cusp - I just-just made it until my first paycheck from my new big-girl job). Thankfully I have friends that have my back. There are many, MANY people that don't have family or friends to give them a financial (albeit borrowed) boost to help them and their families. People are waiting in lines for HOURS to receive a week's worth of food from food banks. Sure the argument may be: what else do they have to do (saying it here because I've sadly heard that) but can you imagine the anxiety and angst of having to sit in your car for hours and hours just to feed your family a handful of meals? That's reality.

The virus and its' threat is real. I get it, I do. I take precautions: reduced shopping, increased hand-washing, shoes in the hall, hand sanitizer in the car, six bags of groceries on the floor because all I wanted to touch was the food that needed to be refrigerated or frozen and allow the rest to sit for a day or two (or 21 as it is now with some of my groceries) in the hopes the virus dies before I touch those items. Then I lost the motivation to put them away so I constantly maneuver around shopping bags all over my apartment floors.

I don't want to get sick, I don't want to make anyone sick but I am sick and tired of being alone, sick and tired of no physical contact for weeks.

I'm also sick and tired of the judgement and the hate and the paranoia and the controversy and non-belief and those that fail to take any precautions and the list (sadly) goes on and on and on.

I'm going out May 15th. I'll be with friends. Join us or don't but it'd be cool if you'd stop being so judgmental about responsible people taking all the precautions and then choosing to engage in the legal and structured re-opening of our broken society and our severely damaged economy.

If you're choosing to head out on the 15th, the 21st and behind, please do it responsibly. Follow with care and consideration and respect all the new orders and rules that are in place. If you're sick, or feeling off, as much as you may want to go out, please stay home. Bring a mask, wear one whenever you can, between sips, when you are interacting with your server or bartender. Be excited but be courteous and respectful and please TIP.

Cheers.
Stay well friends.

#stayathome #covid19 #inthistogether #economy #open #fear #caution #drinkswithfriends #patio #samestorm #differentisland #differentboat #judge #judgmental #precaution #maskon #mask #becalmandwashyourhands #washyourhands #staywell #cheers

Random thoughts and tidbits 20200410

You'd think given my schedule since my last day at work in December (I don't even remember the last day I was at my job at the zoo, it was the week of Christmas) I'd be all caught up on responding to texts and my email in-box would be all cleaned up. My google photos should all be organized and shared where appropriate, etc. My apartment should be spic 'n span clean and well organized and all of that fun stuff.

Not so much.

January, February and most of March was spent scrambling to make ends meet: essentially working six part-time jobs: pet-sitting, cross-guarding, Taco Tuesday at one bar, scrubbing floors at a bar Wed, Thrs, Fri, working brunch at a bar every other Sunday, Ubering and doing Ubereats. Lots and lots of hours and the remaining hours of my life spent stressed-stressed and trying to figure out when to shit, shower, shave, shop and sleep! 

I have been worse at responding to text messages (currently over 100 unread texts [darn it]) and I've hardly checked email except when I'm expecting something to come through; that's proven to be a poor decision: oops!

Just last night I finished backing up my photos to google photos, I had over 1,000 to back-up. Not sure when I last did a back-up but I was still at the zoo when I did. I tend to take a lot of photos. I received a message there are over 13,000 pics to delete from my phone: oh. boy!

I did spend a couple hours last night unsubscribing from junk emails, deleting emails, responding to emails and sending out a few emails I just hadn't gotten to. I am down to just over 600 unread (or otherwise unattended to) emails from about 1500 unread. 

The goal this weekend is to whittle down unopened/un-responded to texts: I love the reactions from folks when I just casually respond to a text from weeks prior as if three weeks hasn't passed. I also appreciate that my friends tolerate this from me and know that my intentions are good and if they really need me all they have to do is say it and I'll hop to.

A few things I have gotten to since bars and restaurants were first shut down: 
*I have organized all my plastic food storage containers: tops with bottoms, all stacked in a lovely manner and all nicely stored. I also have dozens of containers with lids I do not need and will not use and I cannot wait until this weird-o pandemic time is over so I can get these out of my life and donated somewhere (unless you need some: let me know!). All matched up containers, I just have too many and my heart won't let me throw them away!

*I have sorted through, organized, packed-up, delivered and have had picked up most of the pet supplies I had on-hand. I have maintained an often times overwhelming amount of these donated supplies: mostly food and treat donations but also a significant volume of toys and collars/leashes, grooming supplies, pet clothes and other random tidbits. Given I am not hosting the large, spring fundraiser (unrelated to the pandemic) and the fact that stores have been curbside pick-up for weeks now and therefore there are no donations to pick-up I figured now was as good a time as any to unload and hang up my hat in this arena. I was planning on continuing to contribute to the rescue community in this capacity until this fall (September 2020 puts me 20 years off and on [mostly on] volunteering/working in rescue in my community) but seems like a good time to stop now and then I'll be exiting the rescue community altogether (or as much as is possible considering how intertwined this is with my life). I have one project up my sleeve that was in process before COVID19 hit, hopefully this project can still come to fruition this fall: we shall see. 
  
*I have sorted through almost all my clothes bins and pulled out items for donation, items for resale (God I hope The Designer Consignor survives this shut down and reopens!) and items to be recycled, did you know that Savers recycles textiles? I make separate bags of clothes that are just dead: too old, too torn, too worn, etc. and leave them in the donation bins with a "to be recycled" note attached. I need to research whether or not they recycle shoes: if they do that's awesome, if they don't I need to find a place to send dead shoes. I hope I can collect shoes from family and friends and send a few good sized boxes/year to be recycled/upcycled.

*I have re-potted a couple of plants, have potted some self-propagated plants. I have two more to attend to but don't have appropriate vessels so they will have to wait until non-essential shopping can be done again responsibly. 

*I have gotten all caught up on the recycling in my life. Sounds weird but my apartment tends to be full of recycling to be attended to in some fashion: items drying, cans to be crushed, cans with labels to be removed (you can take the labels to the city service garage and add to their shredded paper recycling 😁), plastic/glass recycling to be taken to the service garage and paper/cardboard recycling to take to donation bins, etc. I have eight (yes, eight!) recycling containers in my apartment: a box for paper/cardboard, a box to go to the city, a garbage can for aluminum cans and one for steel cans. I have small bathroom sized garbage cans for aluminum lids (I keep them separate because the way the scrap yard I use contains cans to be recycled leads to these things flying all over if they're not bagged separately) and steel lids (see previous reason) and one for random steel/other metal recycling and a small container for copper for when I have some. Being caught up with recycling is HUGE, I just need the scrap yard to reopen so I can clear out everything I have in my storage unit (It's taking over!). 

*Just tonight (hours and hours after I started this post!) I finished adding pics to an album for a farewell party for my friend Brigid before she moved to Tahoe in October 2018 and actually shared it with her. I also spent hours uploading pics (172 officially!) from my friend Jamie's wedding this past October. Sure, this wouldn't have taken quite as much time if I hadn't accidentally clicked "add to library" and had to spend an hour sorting/deleting pics from my phone, google photos library and the wedding album on google! I have effectively deleted 400 pictures from my phone tonight! Just shy of 13,000 more to sort through 👌 

*I feel like there's something I'm not remembering..it's been a long, exhausting, stress-filled three-ish months. 

Those are my random thoughts for today. 
I hope you are well, stay well and strive for happiness always.
Leah

Food storage container organization success pics below: for no good reason!

#projects #life #choices #recycle #storage #tasks #todo #todolists #email #text #sort #delete #donations #rescue #pictures #albums #sharing #plants #clothes  

New Post 2020

It's been so much longer than I realized since I last visited here. 

Looking back on previous posts and pending blogs I never posted was a fast blast to the past. 

Sad in a lot of ways.

I don't know what prompted me to visit or write today...beware.

We're in the midst of a pandemic here and throughout the entire world. It is a strange and scary time. I continue to walk daily but find myself losing my breath when I walk through the city I have called home since I was seven years old. 

Lakewood, OH will never be the same (like many places in this world). I walk by business after business wondering if they'll survive, knowing that many will not: no matter the dedication of our citizens, the business owners themselves or the help the city is offering in small business loans for rent. The federal government is offering loans too but what so many of these businesses need is a gift. I will never, ever understand bailouts for billion-dollar companies and loans for the little people: never. I am sad because while it is an honor to call so many small business owners 'friend' I know that I will feel their heartache with them when/if the end comes for them. It would be lovely to think they'll all survive but that's foolhardy and I know too many too well to think everyone will be ok.

I tend to look at things in detail lots of time: how far reaching (whether good or bad) situations are. Loss of income for so many businesses means loss of taxes for the city. Loss of income for so many citizens means loss of taxes for the city. Luckily our current, new mayor took the reigns of the city while we held a significant surplus, sad to see that it will be necessary to make the way through so much of it in order to maintain the amazing city services and responses we are used to. It's hard to walk through my city today but I am dedicated to continuing to shop here whenever possible: big or small business. I will spend my dollars here, maybe more than in the past to tell myself I am helping to save her, this city that I love. 

I have friends in the front lines: medical, stores, utilities, etc. I have friends who have lost their jobs: bars, restaurants, drivers and so many friends (thankfully) that have been able to maintain their jobs but work from home or whose hours hours, etc. have been adjusted. I have friends that teach and worry about their school kids, their actual kids. I have friends whose kids are losing out on their senior year in high school and their freshman year in college and my heart aches for them all. It isn't fair and my heart wants to take that pain from you all, I wish this year were ending as you had all hoped and dreamed.

I am worried and sickened by the impact this is having on our environment. There has always been necessary "waste" in many businesses, hospitals and medical are one that I have never begrudged. I wish it wasn't so but it is and it's necessary. Everyone wearing gloves and masks: *sigh*. Sure - it's not hurting you to do so but while the medical personnel are in need: please stop. And stop throwing your gloves and masks "away" in parking lots all over: everywhere.

Also: is it just me or is it sickeningly PATHETIC that hospitals and mayors and governors are begging for donations of hand-made masks: here, in the USA. Forget DPAS and the fact that our idiot in charge neglected to enact it (too little, too late?) until just now - how are we so ass-backwards behind and glaringly unprepared and ignorant to needs of our front line personnel? This is embarrassing, alarming and telling. Also: be prepared to treat the president right or watch your citizens die. In what world do we actually live?  

Since January I have been unfriending folks on FB. Folks I only know by mild association, folks I have only volunteered with or managed as a volunteer coordinator or: on and on generic reasons. I started with 1311 friends on 01/04 and am down to 1058 as of today. It's easier and easier to let go of "friends" and life is easier for each "unfriend" I click. Consider who/what makes your life happy and stop "collecting" friends. We're adults, it's exhausting and life is easier with actual, real friends. 

I quit my big-girl job this year. I was miserable. Literally went to see my PCP because I thought I might be going into early menopause: hot flashes all the time at work. Stomachaches just thinking about going into work. I quit my job with no plan, no money, no savings. I was making it work: pet-sitting, Ubering, working three bar jobs, becoming a crossing guard (which I was really actually enjoying!) and today I accepted a job offer as Manager of Operations and Development for a small non-profit in my community. I was proud of myself for having figured it out for over two-months, was looking forward to potentially lasting all summer with my four or five p/t jobs. I was going to road-trip it to Montana and Charleston: I'm so irritated this pandemic is keeping me from those things and making me get a big girl job again.

I am grateful for what will be 3.5 months "free" of the daily grind. I am grateful for this career opportunity, grateful for all those p/t jobs. I am grateful to the bar I have worked at for over 1.5 years offering the opportunity to work on some projects and keep a few bucks coming in, for sharing fresh produce and for being gracious about it all. So glad I am friends with their manager looking for "one night a week" coverage way back when - hard to fill but that's all I needed and these folks have become my family. I am grateful for the time to try and manage some projects: from little to big: food storage containers to deep cleaning to storage unit organizations. 

I was doing a good job of staying away from social media so much before this whole pandemic madness hit: now social media is (again) a gift in a lot of ways. Also: too.much.pandemic.coverage. Maybe I'll just blog again: who knows. I was never that dedicated before but I always enjoyed it. 

This is the end of this today. I wanted to post some picture but didn't know what to share. I share this picture of my beautiful friend Lauren. The last post before today was the day she died; I let grammar and spelling leave me in order to post from the soul. Beauty and tragedy and warm memories all wrapped in one. So much impact and inference for the future, much like where we are today. 

To life, to friends, tragedy and the unknown: may we all be better for experiencing it together.

Love, 
Leah

Lauren M. DiCesare
11-16-75 - 11-12-14

My friend died today

We were eleven when we first met. She had these big, beautiful breasts and we all wanted to hate her for them...except she was beautiful and kind and her dimples went on for miles.

So she became our friend.

These are some of my random memories of my dear friend...we were little then:

bike rides through the MetroParks. I know exactly where we hid our bikes and wandered off to sun on the rocks. I have this one picture that takes my breath away from then...

We pierced each other's ears. Mine hers and her mine, We were stupid.

Her then step dad introduced us to egg-drop soup: Campbell Noodles chicken soup with an egg cooked into it: who knew!

She gave me a button down FORENZA shirt that i still wear to bed to this day.

she gave me a blue silk nightgown i somehow lost track of over the years

we used to listen to U2 ALL.THE.TIME. (and sometimes REM). Bullet the Blue Sky, Helter Skelter, Where the Streets Have No Name, With or Without you...we listed to these songs (and more) for hours.

We used to read the exact same books at the exact same time. mostly Stephen King and Anne Rice. we'd get so excited and so lost in the story. The Talisman will forever hold a place in my heart...we'd jump up and down on our beds so excited to talk about where the book was going!

I'd rub her back and she'd rub mine...for hours,

I watched my beautiful friend bear a child. I fought the battle of mental illness and drug and alcohol with her and, as is life, i lost track of her along the way.

there are 100 million more stories but today i focus on what i have to give, now.

seriously. 10+ years since we last knew her, she fell into our laps. I played big girl and called her last Thrs (less than a week ago) and talked with her. I went this past Saturday with my lifelong friend's mom (I could not go alone), I hugged her, kissed, her, told her i loved her.

I made plans with my parents to see her this Saturday and hopefully start reading to her,

it's so weird that life goes on but, it does.

today i remember my friend and all of the secrets and hiding places and everything else we had...including our fistfight.

i love you friend. i am overwhelmed with memory and emotion. i miss you, i just re-visited your message to remain poetic. i lost way some but will come back around.

poetry is not hard when you're surrounded by such beauty.

you are missed. i am sorry we missed out on so may years.
i am  sorry cancer killed you.
know that you were sought after and loved, always.

Good-bye Lauren
I love you forever.
Leah

There's a racist amongst us

It's one of those things you try to ignore, because believing it is true is too hard.

Comments like "monkey" talking about black sports players. Hints and tips here and there that someone "in your circle" might actually be racist. A real, hate-mongering racist. 

Because of their stance in your life there's not a whole lot you say or do.

Until they say words like "Nigger" and "Spics" and "A-Rabs" (emphasis on the "A").

It actually makes you feel like you're in the twilight zone when it hits you that this person might actually be a racist. And then, they just declare it. They just out and out say: "I'm a racist." 

And...wait, what?! Did that just happen? 
And it did...

So, all you can do is leave. 

There's no arguing with ignorance. 
You strap on your strength to not try and fight with ignorance and you leave.

And then you're eternally sad. 

Sad for the influence this person has on people in your life. 
Sad for this person for being so smart and so ignorant. 
Sad over the worry they might teach hate and racism to a future generation. 

And you realize, sadly that your relationship with several people just changed forever.

There's no time for ignorance and hate today. There just isn't.

Happy New Year 2014

It’s another new year…and I’ll take it!

So, in the tune of well-wishing and good luck wishes for the New Year:

First, what I do not wish:

I do not wish for you a perfect life…I like you more than that!

I wish for you happiness and gratefulness and perspective.

For all of these wishes to come true; I wish for you a life and a world that offers enough trials and tribulations to keep you honest and true and hard-working and grateful.

I wish for you a kind heart so you help strangers…be it folks who need a meal, animals who need a foster home or a family member or friend (or any relationship) that needs a little more understanding and possibly a bit of forgiveness.

I wish for you patience as you realize the steps mentioned before often don’t happen just the way we want. Be patient and keep trying.

I wish for you income and a home and a way to feed, bathe and clothe yourself and yours. I wish for you true appreciation of the SO much more so many of us are lucky to have, above and beyond these few treasures mentioned here.

I wish for you an appreciation of a life without drama. I wish for you the strength to drive those from your life that bring drama to your doorstep. Be that strong. Drama thrives on attention; give it none.

I wish for you the time you need to remain calm when life throws a wrench your way. I wish for you the ability to breathe, focus and know that in the end, it will be ok.

I wish for you a relationship/partnership/marriage (or whatever it is that you want) that makes you happy. Not one that fills the day, not one that you just happen to be used to, not one that is easier to stay in than get away from so now you’re stuck. I wish you a partner that makes you truly happy and a life and circumstance with your partner that makes your truly happy.

I wish for you the time and inclination to reflect on the above and make appropriate changes in your life if you need to; I really do.

I wish for you so many little things:

Happy days, warm sunshine, laughter that makes your face hurt and your belly ache, walks with pooches, kitten purrs, beach-glass hunting.  

A brisk walk in a blowing snow, a good glass of wine in front of a roaring fire and toes nestled in fresh grass or sand on a beach.

A bird, with giant wings floating on the sky that you just happen to catch a glimpse of.

At least a couple times where you can sleep in.

Drinks with friends when you need them: good coffee, warm tea or a ton of booze: whatever the situation calls for!

A good meal – one you prepare for others and ones that get prepared for you.

A good book to read, music you can dance to and the ability to enjoy both.

I wish so many wonderful things for all of us.

I don’t believe in resolutions but I enjoy the freshness of a new year and the hope that since the year is new, it holds promise for us all.

My last wish is that you realize what promise lies within you and that now; above any other time, now is the time to grab hold, bust loose, hunker down or kick-ass…whatever it takes to make this the very best life for you.

Cheers friends.

Must everyone be an "expert" on PPACA?

I'm betting some of the "experts" out there don't even know what PPACA stands for and initially have no idea what this post is about.
I shall tell you - it's all about the oh-so-many of folks out there that are now experts on "Obamacare" and health insurance in general.
I worked in the healthcare industry for 18 years. I know about health insurance. I have managed two small businesses, I know about group insurance premiums. I have an individual health plan, I know about individual health plans. I know what an HSA is, I know how a FSA works and I know many of the rules surrounding both and I bet most of you don't.

I know that the commercial on television that is either republican or tea party based that talks about how this woman doesn't want her children to just be a number in the government's system is stupid. Duh - we are ALL numbers in the "government's system" - have you never heard of social security numbers?
I wonder if the people so vehemently against "government run" health insurance have ever heard of Medicare. The government has been managing the healthcare of some of our most frail since the '60s folks. It's not perfect but its' fundamental idea is pretty good.

I think it's quite ironic that some of the folks posting hate for our president and hate for this plan are some of the most "christian" people I know. I think it's strange that I have stood elbow to elbow serving hot meals to folks in need or have seen the posts or pics of folks helping at the food bank from some of the people most against helping to equalize access to healthcare in the country. So you can give of your time and give sweat equity but you'd rather keep every penny for yourself and leave someone who dare not have insurance bleed and/or die in the street.

See - that's essentially what you're saying. That folks that don't (for the dozens [hundreds?] of reasons why they may not) have health insurance they should not receive health care. Because if they can't pay for it, and no one else should be expected to contribute to the assistance of others, then we should let them bleed to death or suffer the pains of terminal cancer or blah, blah, blah.

Of course, the alternative is to allow them (under our good graces as human-folk) to receive necessary, emergent medical care only (EMTALA) and then let them go bankrupt trying to pay the bills...because that is the monster that has become healthcare in this country. Is it your fault? No. It's not mine either. And it's not the fault of the folks who aren't lucky enough to be able to afford health insurance. See that's the thing people: too much of life is a crap-shoot and we shouldn't stand by and allow others to suffer an injustice of the world and of our society that has been in the works long before we got here. We should try to be heroes for those coming after. That at least we tried to fix things, at least we tried to care for others, we tried to make it better.

I believe people's health premiums are going up (but: they've been going up; year after year for many years), I believe nonsense plans are dropping coverage for people. This is NOT the president's fault. This is not the government's fault. Are you blaming the government after a catastrophic claim against your homeowners or car insurance totally jacks up your premium or causes you to get dropped? Of course not...because that would be silly, right? Don't you see the correlation? Part of your current car insurance is for un and under-insured drivers, right? You're paying to cover an accident caused by someone who can't (or won't - there are those) buy auto-insurance. Is that the president's fault? Nope. Does it protect you in the end? Of course. As does spreading out the cost of health coverage for the many, to the many - protects us all.

In the end it's about equalizing the cost and access of healthcare for all. In some time, as things shake out, healthcare costs: from an x-ray to an insurance premium should come down...but too many people are focused on their hate of a president or a political party or whatever else to see the forest through the trees. Instead folks spread hate and ignorance via FaceBook memes and Fox News quotes and anything that fits EXACTLY how they do or think they should feel...in alignment with their neighbors or their political party or their spouses or whatever else.

I don't believe that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is perfect. I'm not even that big of a fan of Obama in general. But I'm educated in this arena. I can't discuss or debate this with many people because people are SO hot about their hatred of PPACA and/or the president and/or democrats and/or the government as a whole (hell - no one likes the government except the government themselves, right? But we should be better...) that it's like folks can't see or think straight. It's weird to me.

So - if you can't discuss or debate this like a normal person and you don't want to actually learn true pros and cons of PPACA (it actually does have some good ideas rolling around in there!) then can you please just kindly keep your "expertise" on the matter to yourself? Stop sharing posts that are baseless (or are based in hate or ignorance). And if you're actually interested in learning about PPACA and/or discussing its' good and bad: let me know. I refuse to discuss such things on FB or via email or text but I am a calm and patient person and I actually know how to discuss and debate in person without fighting or swearing or losing a friend: I do.

In the end, you may still not believe in PPACA and that's ok but, if you can get beyond the hype, I truly believe a lot more people out there would at least begin to appreciate the underlying idea and at least lose some of the hate strangling their hearts. Life is too short to be so hostile about this.

Thanks for your time.
'Nighty-'night.

CH-CH-CH-Changes...

Life is a funny thing.

My life has changed dramatically since my last post. I am now employed full-time, split between two positions with two organizations that support each other. Business Manager for a local business and Fundraising and Development Director for a local dog rescue. 

It's a really different day and a really different life. 

I feel like I actually make a difference. I wake-up in the morning and not dread my day. 

I feel good supporting this phenomenal person who graciously welcomed me into both of her organizations as an integral member. I know I am helping her and making a difference but I am eternally grateful to her and her crew for welcoming me in, for supporting me and educating me...and listening and accepting the new and the different that I bring to their everydays.

I get to see dogs every day. I get to help save them. I get to help acclimate them to kindness and good food and clean spaces and safety and security. I get to moosh faces and kiss wet noses and send dogs off to new homes and new lives. 

Not too shabby, eh?

Doesn't mean I'm not still playing the lottery: I am. But I'd share it with a whole new group of people today. 

Big, Bold, Stupid Steps

Just to put it out there: sometimes taking big, bold steps is a big, huge mistake.

I feel like that stupid Alanis Morissette song "Isn't it ironic...?"

Isn't it ironic that in my entire 36.5 years on this planet I had never taken a bold step. I had never done anything big or brave or outside of my comfort zone: I have been too worried about not being able to pay my bills and maintaining perfect credit and not being able to take care of my pets and not being able to help others and not being able to be secure.

Until my last (first) big, bold move I had never made/taken any big steps in life. I had never been brave, I had never thrown myself out of my comfort zone: it was far too scary and far too risky.

You know what?

Totally.not.worth it. I had high hopes and I had good intentions. Didn't matter this time around. I hope to make that matter in the near future.

So, now I know and I suppose there's that.

I really try and not be the whoa is me type (there are plenty of negative people out there) so this is just an acknowledgment that sometimes we fail. Sometimes things don't work out.

Just means you re-figure and re-group, right?

Goodnight peeps.

Holidays 2012

It’s that time of the year again…thoughts on holidays and families and friends and a New Year right around the corner.

It’s the biggest New Year I’ve had in a long time (ever?) – I will start a new job! I finally left my job of just over 16 years back in September. It was beyond time. I was lucky enough that my boss offered me 16 weeks severance and has kept me on his benefits this entire time. Not something you see/hear of everyday (or ever) and I was glad to accept. He appreciated me and my time as much as I appreciated the employment and flexibility over the years. I think the severance package spoke huge volumes about both of us (maybe a little more about his kindness and fairness).

I am glad, finally, to be away from the job; in so many ways because I simply didn’t care anymore. This was a job I had had since I was 20; I received two college degrees during my time there and I was stuck doing a job that anyone with a high school diploma could figure out (although frankly not as well as someone as educated as I am could [the doctor’s didn’t “scare me” and I was confident in my knowledge and education to stand up for and/or against all things as I felt necessary]). I am glad because now I am regaining a friendly relationship with my now “old” boss – we were getting to a point where we could hardly get through a week without wanting to kill each other...and in years previous we had a great friendship and mentor-ship  I am looking forward to (at least in part) regaining that).

I will now be the Executive Director of a local non-profit (in the animal rescue-ish world) and am anxious to start! I am excited and scared and all things that go along with new employment and new possibilities.

I am taking a very big pay cut and even bigger benefit cut with this new position but it breaks me into the non-profit world (as a worker-bee and not just a volunteer) and offers me the opportunity to do something I am truly passionate about and helps me put my good, extended education to use! I have also been working with a small business that I am truly impressed with for about two months (after having volunteered with the sister organization for about a year and a half) and will be able to continue to do that, taking away some of the sting in the financial loss: who’s that lucky, right? And I’m not being facetious; I mean it. I sought out positions where I knew I’d take a financial hit. I was ready for it (not quite this much but, ready)…because I’m ready to finally make a difference in this world with my work (anyone can make doctors money, you know?).

On to Newtown, CT and the horror that community has, is and will be facing for so long: I am sorry. As a fellow citizen of this world, I am sorry. I don’t have children so I have no idea the pain you’re enduring, and no parent that hasn’t buried a child of their own truly knows what you’re going through but my heart aches for you and yours. Countless lives hit by this act of evil and meanness and whatever else it might be.

            From here, the talk to guns and gun control and healthcare and mental illness.

1)      To every extremist: stop it. There will never be a day when there are no guns in this country. Not even a ‘smidge feasible so stop your rantings about it: please. To the other side – stop it. Stop buying every freakin’ gun under the sun because you’re “worried” you won’t be able to buy them later. Stop saying the president is the one trying to take your guns away and stop acting as if that day will ever come; we all know it isn’t and it won’t.

2)      Once you all stop it – take a breath and admit that something needs to change and there’s a huge, nightmare mess of several issues that need to be addressed. If you expect something to go your way please recognize you have to let something go “the other way” too. Compromise is the only way effective conversation and change will ever happen.

3)      Mental illness is an illness people and our country too often leaves folks with mental illness out in the cold, to fend for their own. This or they leave families ill-equipped to handle these sometimes terrible situations on their own…which leads to unnecessary evils being inflicted on others. The others are sometimes family members, sometimes further away than family but so often, with proper medical care and systems in place; avoidable. This has to be a piece of the conversation. 

On to the general nature of people…I love FaceBook – I really do. It’s just about the best tool ever for getting in touch with people, staying in touch with people and sharing our lives: far and near! It also opens your eyes to the true nature of some folks.

I have never, in all of my 36+ years “known” so many unhappy people: really! I wonder how often (if ever) people look back over their posts and see how negative they are (overall). I mean people: c’mon! If you’re really that miserable, if all the little things you post/bitch about (and how the heck do some people have the time to post 4, 6, 8x/day [these same folks who then gripe about not having enough time in the day]) bother you that much then; your life must truly suck…and you should do something about it or STFU (and by “STFU” I mean “flip” – shut the flip up)! My god! Quit yer bitchin’ and do something about it. Stop using everything in your power to stop you and start mustering up the power within yourself to take care of business (and still please: stfu in the meantime btw).

Next – I wish people would stop posting/cross-posting tons of false crap on FB. It takes about one minute to figure out whether something you’re about to post is correct or false. Please do us all a favor and stop perpetuating falsities and mistruths by spending about one minute to look it up. And once someone points out that it’s wrong – frickin’ delete it. Too many people see the story and not the posts below that show it’s false and re-post the bad information (hence why these stories go around and around and around).

If (on average) no one is “liking” or commenting on your posts that’s a sign: you’re posting too much or you’re posting so much crap the majority of your “friends” have hidden you or just didn't give even a half a crap to acknowledge it…so maybe stop?

Next…be grateful. I am consistently astonished by folks who simply refuse to take an honest look at themselves and their lives and just be grateful. No one has everything they want or need (no matter what we may think…everyone has hidden insecurities and fears and misgivings and missing pieces) – but you can choose to be so grateful for what you do have: really, it is just a choice folks. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…you really can choose to be happy. In spite of it all, maybe, necessarily; because of it all: be happy.

So…there are a few reflections and a few gripes (I generally try and not complain on a regular/daily basis. I choose to save my energy for being happy and helping others and for trying to be and do good).

My hopes for you and all of yours (some might be repeats from previous years): Be happy. Do good. Acknowledge kindness. Appreciate everything! The Good, The Bad and The Ugly are all necessary: learn how to work your life appropriately. Shut up once in a while. Stop complaining so much. Sit outside, in the quiet, by yourself and breathe from time to time. Spin or cross-fit or yoga or walk or run or hop on an elliptical but do something to keep moving. Be grateful for your health but don’t take it for granted: do something to maintain it or better it…depending on your need. Thank people. Smile at strangers; say “Hi!”. Hold doors open for people. Pick things up for folks who may have dropped them. Make an effort to make your world and the world around you better; this will make you more happy and more satisfied than you might ever imagine (and it makes others all warm and fuzzy too!).

The end.

Happy New Year friends. 

The Madness

It's the first Wednesday in November 2012. The United States has a "new" president (in that we re-elected President Obama) and the political signs are coming down, the political ads have ceased (I live in Ohio and given that I don't even really watch TV all that much I have to tell you: hours and hours of political ads per day and so many were vicious, vicious) and FB is calming down with the political banter (read: nastiness, fighting, ostracizing oneself from family and friends and losing friends over political rants).

I have to say: I voted for Obama (ok, most folks already knew that) and I voted party-line since this past time 'round he had such a hard time getting folks to play nice in the sandbox and allow things to actually happen/get done.

I also have to say that I am saddened by my friends; from all "sides" and all parties and all walks of life that got down right rude and nasty with folks this time around. I was stunned. The name calling and hatred thrown around was staggering to me. And though we'd all like to think our candidates are the greatest, lets be honest: no one is as good as too many of you think by spewing so much hatred toward whichever other side/party and no one is as nasty and devastating either.

This has happened for some time now folks: one candidate wins and another loses. This is going to keep happening going forward. I only hope the next election doesn't bring out as much hatred and negativity and name-calling. At the end of the day, do you really think you'll ever convince anyone that you're right by calling names and spitting hate? 'Cause I'm thinking you kind of won't. And why: why, why, why cause actual fights with family and friends and actually lose people from your life over political fights? I love having people that don't agree with me on everything in my life! This is in part how I learn and grow and am introduced to new ideas. When you get right down to it, it's actually kind of a piece of what this country is all about.

Many folks that know me asked why I was so adament  about no political talk on my FB account. I was hap-hap-happy to comment on other peoples' posts and to "like" comments and funny pictures and commentaries posted by others...to debate with strangers but, given the tone (and what I witnessed on so, so many of the posts I did participate in) I just didn't have the energy to watch people fight on my own wall, to 'cause drifts and arguments and to monitor people's comments (and heck, I don't have a smart phone so too much can go on while I'm tending to other matters! have to get a smart phone!). I am by no means a shrinking violet, I just saw a line I chose not to cross...because strangers fight with strangers and we lose friends and in the end, that is sad and silly. I don't mind disagreeing with you on politics; I'd probably appreciate a true debate (without yelling and name calling) but because of the tone this year, I couldn't risk it so, I didn't.

While I don't want to fight about politics I will state my stance. Please note: these beliefs would lead me to leave my home, my family and my everyday world to march, to protest and quite honestly I think: to die for; it really, truly means that much to me. I have to vote for the person/party/whatever that is for civil liberties and against oppression of any kind. It quite literally sickens me to think that today, in 2012 there's still an issue about equal pay for equal work, freedom of choice for a woman over her body, healthcare as a necessary benefit and marriage freakin' equality.

I'll try to not go on and on here because really, these are what I believe to be basic rights and are so fundamental they shouldn't need a whole ton of explaining.

I'm a female. I'm smart. I'm educated. I'm capable. There's no good reason that given an apples to apples comparsion I should make any less money for same work/same position than a male. None.

Again: female. My body. My belief that life doesn't actually begin at conception (I believe the potential for life begins at conception but a stack of cells and no brain and no heartbeat does not = life to me). Beyond that I still think girls, teenagers, women get pregnant on accident all the time (and I won't even touch rape, incest, threat of a mother's death because those are absolute non-negotiable circumstances). Whether this is due to ignorance, a failure in contraception, laziness or anything else...why bring an unwanted life into this screwed up world? All the folks who believe this is murder and horrendous and against god; I respect your belief but unless you can somehow carry this child to term and then agree to raise it: hands off my uterus please. Is it pleasant? Not so much but such is the madness we call this world and the madness that is life.

Healthcare. That's a tricky one for me. Do I believe it's a "right"? I'm not sure. Do I believe that the financial betterment of this country and the overall welfare of its' citizens depends on folks having equal access to quality care? Well - yes. I have been in the healthcare industry for over 18yrs now. Insurance, billing, patient, too many family members to count 'in the trenches': nurses, dieticians, physician assistants etc. I know that having equal access to equal care will, in the end save our country; truly: save-our-country. I'd like to go on and on about this ('cause it's kind of one of my areas of expertise!) but well, I'm not going to right now.

And now to marriage equality. All I have to say is: what? How is this an issue? I have gay family members, gay friends, gay neighbors and I'll tell you what: they're just people folks. Not unlike you or I or your kids or neighbors. They don't love differently, they don't live differently - they just have different, built-in tastes. Let me also say that of the gay relationships I know of, theirs seem to be longer lasting and less dramatic than any heterosexual relationship I know of (honest to god).

So, those are my short pieces on my beliefs. I am concerned about the economy, I am concerned about China, I am concerned about taxes. I really am. But I believe though, without basic, human rights there's no good ground to stand on to fight anything else. How can we tackle huge international, military, economic or other problems when we're still living in a country where folks choose to deny basic civil liberties to their neighbors?

See, I believe you have to take care of your own first. I donate a lot to charity (time, money, etc.) but you'll never see me donating to causes that take money out of this country (and mostly, not even out of my general vacinity); not that I begrudge anyone who donates to any charitable cause, because I don't, just that I truly believe you have to start at home. Take care of yourself and your families, then your neighbors and their neighbors and so forth. A big piece of this "taking care" is ensuring everyone here has basic, human rights. Because once that's achieved: can you imagine that truly united front?

Now that would be a force to be reckoned with!

Random Thoughts...Right Now

People are strange.

In my every day life I see so many folks that are happy, good people...then the spectrum shifts to ungrateful, grumpy and often hostile (though they try to hide it) to just "blah" people (both of the latter set might too be "good people" but sometimes folks make it so hard to see...). Listen - I hate my job, I loathe a bunch of folks I have to work with but, you know what? I literally whistle when I work, I sing, I laugh...because I have a job and benefits and because life is so much easier when you choose to be happy. That's right folks...you can choose to be happy in the face of strife and the SOB that can be life. Many folks that know me don't know my "battles", my demons, my true past. It is far from sunshine and daydreams but you know what? Happiness is better: choose it.

I have friends on the far left, the far right and right where I am: vote with your dollars people: money rules. Sadly I believe that no matter where the country goes with our next presidential race, nothing will really change...nothing will truly get better (I've said it before, I'll say it again - don't gripe at me: I always vote!).

I am an educated woman (I have a Master's degree) yet it is beyond my comprehension why it's such an absurd idea that people in the highest tax bracket pay the same percentage of taxes as those in the middle to low tax ranges...forget the dollars people - we're talking percentages. It's not punishment to pay more - it's just fair. Why do the folks with the most money often get to pay a lower percentage? Why do folks who make the least often pay a higher percentage? Here's the bottom line - our country would crumble to the ground without the folks in the middle to lower tax brackets: that's a personal guarantee. 

And before you bitch at me here (I control the comments btw ;) or on FB, know that politics is too far a complex issue to discuss here so, let's not, 'kay?

Why do folks who make the most, real-world difference get paid the least? I'm talking cops, EMTs, firefighters, nurses, teachers, folks who work for non-profits (and that's to benefit humans...including disabled, children, elderly OR our furry friends) etc.- why is there no money in providing salvation? Don't get me wrong...I "get": it - I know where the money is, I know how it works, I just don't get it...

Why don't people do simple things like recycle, turn lights off when they leave a room , carpool, use mass-transit, walk or bicycle whenever possible?

I want a dog (and a pig and elephant and dolphin and chipmunk and a million other cute, fuzzy animals) but you know what? I can't actually provide them with appropriate, happy lives so, I choose not to have them at this time. Do the same. If you can't actually provide a good life for an animal, leave it for someone else...PLEASE! Know that animals get sick (I pay about $100/mo for my kidney failure kitty), animals need regular, medical check-ups, vaccinations and a lot of times they need special diets, prescription foods and meds. If you're living paycheck to paycheck a pet is not for you.

Once in a while: shut-up. Seriously...listen to the world, really listen to your friends, enjoy silence. Shut-up (I say this after my throat got dry from talking so much tonight! ha!).

Stop bitching...(see far above, see right above). I'm not saying to live in silence with your misery or suggesting you shouldn't be bitching to your friends about what needs to be griped about but seriously...at least occasionally, be grateful.

Why can't we all have beautiful singing voices?

Thank the world for folks with beautiful singing voices...it's amazing how music can move folks.

Why do people who claim to "love animals" eat them? Being vegan for almost 8 years I truly struggle with this. If you love cats and dogs but eat cows and pigs and chickens and turkeys and fish and lamb (or even some of them) etc. - you don't love animals (even if you "love" how some of them taste [smart-ass]) - you love cats and dogs. Don't say you're an animal lover when you're truly not, 'kay? Here's another snippet - I very rarely bitch about people about what they eat but, it's my damn blog so...

I wish more folks could grow their own food.

I wish my dad could catch a break...once in his life, a real break. Not many folks know how it makes my heart sing to help him out when I can/do. No one I know could weather the storm of a life like his without breaking - there is no one quite like my father: no one.

You know what? Gay people are just people...just folks. I heard some ignorant comments recently about "them" marching and "getting in peoples' faces" and their "parades" etc. You know why they march? Remember a set of folks in our society called blacks? Yeah...they marched too - because they were stripped of basic, human liberties - to live and love freely. Look at us now. Look at civil rights photos and replace black folks with gay folks...same difference in a lot of respects...folks just trying to live and love as they choose. And that's all I have to say about that (right now).

I'm glad I live in a community where I can walk or bike to so many favorite places so easily.

I love that just about every day I get to see a friend or two...that's literal and makes me so, so happy.

I buy my friend's bad dog (shut-it JS - I heart him) shortbread cookies from Starbucks more often than I should.

I love thunder and lightening and storms in general and really wish I had a porch sometimes.

Someday I hope to find love and get married again...I really do (not that the first marriage had anything to do with love...). 

I know far too many "kids" that live at home at 20/30 something that are working, and/or not in school and/or aren't trying hard enough: you know what? GET OUT! Do yourselves and your parents/families a freakin' favor and move...Parents - kick 'em out! I was booted at 18 via an eviction letter from my dad (yes - still have the letter and yes, the dad I adore so much) and I lived paycheck to paycheck and on credit cards and on ramen noodles and mac and cheese and went up to debt to my eyeballs...and then I busted my back while working full-time (and sometimes part-time along with it) and going to school part to full time and still managed to volunteer and I saved and scrimped and I paid off all of my debts (think $20k+ people). I didn't file bankruptcy (not that sometimes that isn't totally warranted), I didn't default and settle my debts - I paid them off...just like I'm paying off $75k in student loans. It stinks now but someday I hope it gives me a life more in-line with were I want to be. Bottom line: I am more responsible and more grateful for all that I have than anyone whose been given the bulk of what they have (including a roof over their heads when they should have moved on!).

OK - I have to start getting ready for bed, it's 11:30 and I walk 3.75 miles starting at 5:30am!

Good night people...look at your life in a new light and be happy. Choose to be happy.

Stolen Bike = Stomped on Spirit

Everyone that knows me knows that I love to ride my bike. I average about 600 miles/year on it. As soon as the weather is ready to break my bike goes in for a tune-up (always take extra-special care of my bike!) so I’m ready to go!

Over the 6+ years I have had my (nice) bike I have spent time and money decking it out a little: added a kickstand, a water bottle holder, a saddlebag rack, nice electric lights, a decent Cat Eye, $100+ metal pedals (one side allows you to “clip in”) and I always lock my bike wherever I go (we go a lot of places together!).

I ride my bike for stress relief, for fun, to be “green”. I run errands, ride to dinner or the farmers’ market and visit friends all via my bike. I’ve ridden way out to my parents house (and back), to the beach, on Critical Mass rides and a million other places.

Last night I rode it to Target near my house and locked it up. I walked in at exactly 7:20 and my register receipt was stamped 7:37. By the time I got outside, someone had stolen my (locked up) bike.

I felt a bit like I had been kicked in the stomach. I was stunned…stupefied actually. I went in and spoke with security and called the police. The police came and took my report. They were actually awesome; took this seriously: drove around looking, alerted area police departments, were kind, respectful and sympathetic.

My neighbor (and friend) came and got me to take me home (we stopped so I could have a drink first!) and I called the police with the serial# for my bike.

I’m so stunned by this. You hear so much about karma and what goes around comes around and how doing good brings good to you.

Well: I am pretty good. I am generous with both my time and my money. I donate as much as I can to charities, I have helped many a person in need financially (to the point that right now I am paying on a loan I took out a couple years ago to help someone else out. Not the smartest thing: sure; but, I was able to do it and come through and help in a time of need so I did. I’d do it again.). I volunteer a lot (not a week goes by that I don’t volunteer at least a little), I am an active community member. I feel like I am undeserving of such a jerky move by someone.

But when you start to get down in the dumps, the dumps really come…and I start reflecting on my short comings and the mistakes I have made and unkindness I have been guilty of and I think: why not happen to me? Maybe I do deserve to be the victim of a jerky move.

But I know life can’t be lived that way. I know far worse things happen to far better people. I know that I’m not perfect and I have never strived to be. So I guess I’m just going with the whole: “shit happens” mindset. I’m going to keep being flawed but keep doing good and always strive to be good and kind and generous.

I am not going to be a Debbie-Downer about this. It sucks – for real, but I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can replace my bike. I’d rather spend that money on other things (or charities) but I am so, so lucky to be in the position that I am. I am not a single mom of two whose only mode of transportation is a bicycle and that’s part of what chaps my ass: the person who stole my bike had no regard for what they were doing to the person who worked so hard to have that bike (and anyone who knows me would tell you: I’d gladly give to help someone if they were truly so in need and in such a bad situation that they needed to steal. I’m betting this person wasn’t doing anything but being a jerk though). For a split second I knee-jerked the thought: “Why do I even bother? Why do I try to help people/society/the planet etc. if something like this is going to happen?” and then I realize that it’s because I truly enjoy helping people and furry people and the planet: it’s what feeds my soul.

So…I will get a new bike. I don’t know if I’ll replace it with an identical bike and all the goodies or if I’ll try something new. Either way I am grateful to be able to do it, sorry that I have to but I won’t miss out on bike riding this season.

Oh, by the way: please don’t be a jerk and steal stuff, ‘kay?
Thanks a lot.