It's been so much longer than I realized since I last visited here.
Looking back on previous posts and pending blogs I never posted was a fast blast to the past.
Sad in a lot of ways.
I don't know what prompted me to visit or write today...beware.
We're in the midst of a pandemic here and throughout the entire world. It is a strange and scary time. I continue to walk daily but find myself losing my breath when I walk through the city I have called home since I was seven years old.
Lakewood, OH will never be the same (like many places in this world). I walk by business after business wondering if they'll survive, knowing that many will not: no matter the dedication of our citizens, the business owners themselves or the help the city is offering in small business loans for rent. The federal government is offering loans too but what so many of these businesses need is a gift. I will never, ever understand bailouts for billion-dollar companies and loans for the little people: never. I am sad because while it is an honor to call so many small business owners 'friend' I know that I will feel their heartache with them when/if the end comes for them. It would be lovely to think they'll all survive but that's foolhardy and I know too many too well to think everyone will be ok.
I tend to look at things in detail lots of time: how far reaching (whether good or bad) situations are. Loss of income for so many businesses means loss of taxes for the city. Loss of income for so many citizens means loss of taxes for the city. Luckily our current, new mayor took the reigns of the city while we held a significant surplus, sad to see that it will be necessary to make the way through so much of it in order to maintain the amazing city services and responses we are used to. It's hard to walk through my city today but I am dedicated to continuing to shop here whenever possible: big or small business. I will spend my dollars here, maybe more than in the past to tell myself I am helping to save her, this city that I love.
I have friends in the front lines: medical, stores, utilities, etc. I have friends who have lost their jobs: bars, restaurants, drivers and so many friends (thankfully) that have been able to maintain their jobs but work from home or whose hours hours, etc. have been adjusted. I have friends that teach and worry about their school kids, their actual kids. I have friends whose kids are losing out on their senior year in high school and their freshman year in college and my heart aches for them all. It isn't fair and my heart wants to take that pain from you all, I wish this year were ending as you had all hoped and dreamed.
I am worried and sickened by the impact this is having on our environment. There has always been necessary "waste" in many businesses, hospitals and medical are one that I have never begrudged. I wish it wasn't so but it is and it's necessary. Everyone wearing gloves and masks: *sigh*. Sure - it's not hurting you to do so but while the medical personnel are in need: please stop. And stop throwing your gloves and masks "away" in parking lots all over: everywhere.
Also: is it just me or is it sickeningly PATHETIC that hospitals and mayors and governors are begging for donations of hand-made masks: here, in the USA. Forget DPAS and the fact that our idiot in charge neglected to enact it (too little, too late?) until just now - how are we so ass-backwards behind and glaringly unprepared and ignorant to needs of our front line personnel? This is embarrassing, alarming and telling. Also: be prepared to treat the president right or watch your citizens die. In what world do we actually live?
Since January I have been unfriending folks on FB. Folks I only know by mild association, folks I have only volunteered with or managed as a volunteer coordinator or: on and on generic reasons. I started with 1311 friends on 01/04 and am down to 1058 as of today. It's easier and easier to let go of "friends" and life is easier for each "unfriend" I click. Consider who/what makes your life happy and stop "collecting" friends. We're adults, it's exhausting and life is easier with actual, real friends.
I quit my big-girl job this year. I was miserable. Literally went to see my PCP because I thought I might be going into early menopause: hot flashes all the time at work. Stomachaches just thinking about going into work. I quit my job with no plan, no money, no savings. I was making it work: pet-sitting, Ubering, working three bar jobs, becoming a crossing guard (which I was really actually enjoying!) and today I accepted a job offer as Manager of Operations and Development for a small non-profit in my community. I was proud of myself for having figured it out for over two-months, was looking forward to potentially lasting all summer with my four or five p/t jobs. I was going to road-trip it to Montana and Charleston: I'm so irritated this pandemic is keeping me from those things and making me get a big girl job again.
I am grateful for what will be 3.5 months "free" of the daily grind. I am grateful for this career opportunity, grateful for all those p/t jobs. I am grateful to the bar I have worked at for over 1.5 years offering the opportunity to work on some projects and keep a few bucks coming in, for sharing fresh produce and for being gracious about it all. So glad I am friends with their manager looking for "one night a week" coverage way back when - hard to fill but that's all I needed and these folks have become my family. I am grateful for the time to try and manage some projects: from little to big: food storage containers to deep cleaning to storage unit organizations.
I was doing a good job of staying away from social media so much before this whole pandemic madness hit: now social media is (again) a gift in a lot of ways. Also: too.much.pandemic.coverage. Maybe I'll just blog again: who knows. I was never that dedicated before but I always enjoyed it.
This is the end of this today. I wanted to post some picture but didn't know what to share. I share this picture of my beautiful friend Lauren. The last post before today was the day she died; I let grammar and spelling leave me in order to post from the soul. Beauty and tragedy and warm memories all wrapped in one. So much impact and inference for the future, much like where we are today.
To life, to friends, tragedy and the unknown: may we all be better for experiencing it together.
Love,
Leah
Lauren M. DiCesare
11-16-75 - 11-12-14
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